I need to stop coming to work sober
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
