I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
two words...techno handjob
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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