This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
