I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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