I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
