He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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