How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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