too bad you live with your parents still
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
