At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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