A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
