just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
