Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
