This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
