i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
