At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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