God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
