Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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