Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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