sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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