I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
