HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
