I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
