I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
