You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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