I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
