I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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