I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
