If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
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It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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