This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
