My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize