mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
