Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
