I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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