Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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