The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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