she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
