I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We got so high we made milksteak
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
nutella sex= disaster
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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