i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
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I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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