bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
