I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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