on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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