my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
