i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
