there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
