i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize