Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
