Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
