all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
