Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
