You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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