i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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