I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
