This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
