I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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