I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
tell me about the fingering
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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