i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
