Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Damn victory sex feels great
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
